Some things are beyond words…

Bridges:  Tips For Knowing How to Cross Over – and When to Let ‘em Burn*                                                   Here’s the thing:   Inertia isn’t going to get you anywhere you want to go.

The assumption: Everyone thinks the way you do. Or, if they don’t, they should.  Nope.  They don’t.

Nodding your head in agreement as you look someone in the eye, all the while waiting your turn to speak, is not the same thing as listening.  No matter how politely you smile, how patiently you point yourself in his direction.  

It’s funny how people rewrite history, isn’t it?  And it’s generally to suit not only what they wish had happened, but who they wish they had been.

Few things in life take more courage than facing the truth about oneself.

If you don’t get your point across the first time, you can say it again, louder. If that doesn’t work, louder still.  Then louder, again.                                                     Or you can try another approach that might actually work…

Who are you when no one is looking?

Before you blow off a problem, make sure it won’t come ‘round and whack you in the back of the head when you least expect or can afford to deal with it.

You might as well forget the first clause of any sentence the second clause of which begins “, but…” 

For the person listening to you, suggesting “it’s just a little ______” doesn’t minimize the attendant issue, it minimizes him.  Not good.

You don’t get to decide someone else’s “no big deal.”

Your partner knows that your “I understand” sometimes really means “I’ve had enough.”

Haste may make waste, but beware of lingering too long at the fair…

It doesn’t cost extra to be kind.  And patience isn’t a waste of time.

Sometimes the only thing you know is what doesn’t work.  It’s a good idea then to try just about anything else…

 Anything real and alive is flawed in some way.  Perfect is Disneyland: beautiful surface, but there’s no there there.

There’s power that derives from position.  There’s the power that derives from influence.  There’s power that derives from instilling fear.  There’s power that derives from controlling resources.  There’s power that derives from force.  There’s power that derives from expertise.  There’s power that derives from personality.  There’s power that derives from coalitions.  There’s power that derives from respect.  There’s power that derives from moral authority…

When you push down the bad feelings, lots of the good ones get pushed down, too.

If you have to tell someone “it’s obvious,” it isn’t.

Resolve it, don’t dissolve it.

You can be right or you can be a working team…

~ Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

*~ Paro

Well, maybe not specifically, but the imagination does drift to escaping the city’s humidity at the beach, by the pool,  in the country. Oh, the lazy days of summer!  So, should you take a therapy vacation?

Who, you?  Your therapist?  Yup.

You:  You stop working in therapy, really;  you phone it in.  Oh, you show up – most of the time – but your head’s not into it.  You forget to do your homework (you were going to meditate, exercise, daily, remember?).   You’re finding it too hard to resist the long weekend away, the chance to catch the new movie in air-conditioned bliss on a summer Friday…

Your therapist:  Juggling everyone else’s summer vacation schedule and wondering:  take August off, since patients are out of town, or be one of the few therapists in town, available for patients?  Struggles with patient-envy:  patients enjoying being on vacation, therapists worrying if they’ll have a practice come autumn…

Sometimes, a vacation from therapy’s the way to go.  If you’re not going to fully invest your energies in the process (either patient or therapist), don’t waste your/her time and money.  If you’re running on empty, therapy becomes a matter of diminishing returns – something that’s often noticed only after that break.

So go for it.  Time for a break so you can return, refreshed, ready to work, learn, grow, change.  Time for a therapy vacation.

Just remember: you don’t want to lose ground or forget what you’ve learned so far.   A break from therapy – summer vacation – isn’t an excuse to forget everything you’ve learned in therapy.  And it certainly isn’t an excuse to forget to pay attention to what’s good for you – and what’s not.

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Reality TV?  The looming default.  The deadlines (August 2?  August 10?).  The soaring VIX.  The reach for aspirin and antacid.  The Boehner Bill vs. the Reid Bill.  The hope for a bipartisan agreement.  The shifting landscape: when, what, who, how?  The fear of implications: for Social Security, jobs, 401K, mortgage interest rates.  The threat of a stranglehold on fragile economic growth.  The likely downgrading of U.S. credit rating from AAA to  AA.   The Dow’s worst weekly decline in almost a year.

The need for unbiased news – and explanations.  The frantic search for safe haven –  gold? cash? corporate bonds? – or inertia?  The grab for the Business Section – and someone to translate.  The end of the fantasy of any sort of reasonable plan to retire…

The erosion of faith and the lack of control.  The difficulty distinguishing what to expect from what to worry about.  The stress of trying to prepare for the unpredictable. The reactions to looming but poorly understood threat. Free-floating anxiety, summer of 2011 style.  Is it any wonder that anxiety seems to have gone through the roof?  Crashed through the debt ceiling, as it were?

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

So what could a psychologist potentially bring to the privately-held business table?

Psychologist as social scientist: frames hypotheses and conducts research in the areas of human behavior, personality development and change.

Psychologist as clinician: observes and analyzes how people think, feel, and behave.

Psychologist as health service provider: applies behavioral science research to alleviating emotional and mental distress for individuals, couples, families.

Psychologist as organizational consultant: utilizes knowledge of human behavior and interpersonal dynamics to optimize group, team and leadership functioning.

Most psychologists specialize in one of the above. A psychologist who’s useful in a family business context is ideally expert in all four. S/he should understand how individual personalities, styles and psychological needs impact this particular organization, and how the organization and its processes impact individual behavior. S/he should understand how business works, how this particular business works: the nature of the business, the market, the competitive landscape, the financial structure, external factors that impact success.

And – most uniquely – s/he should creatively utilize psychological thought processes to achieve tangible financial results. Because in this context, the goal is not to understand, not to feel better, not to share touchy-feely ‘kumbaya’ moments, but to optimize the organizational processes that will sustain growth and make more money.

Questions to ask to get at all that?

“In the following business scenario, what are the issues that need to be addressed – and why? What is unique about your ability to help us solve the problem?” – You want someone who offers a different, insightful, useful!, perspective on the problems the business needs solved.

“What do you need to know to be of use to us?” – You want someone who knows what s/he needs to know and learn about how the business runs, who can read a spreadsheet and speak the language.

And then there are the old standbys:

“Your experience with privately-held businesses? Successful outcomes? Failures?”

“How can you help us increase profitability?”

“Got any references?”

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash.  All rights reserved.

He says leaders can learn spiritual leadership skills.  ”You learn to ask the right questions.  Where are we now?  Where would we like to be?  How do we get there?” Chopra says.

So what is Chopra’s definition of what a good leader does?

His acronym for effective lead-from-the-soul leaders:

• Look and listen
• Emotional bonding
• Awareness
• Doing
• Empowerment
• Responsibility
• Synchronicity

Bartiroma questioned – on her mainstream Sunday morning business talk show – how he keeps the focus on his “core values, the integrity of the brand that has (his) name on it.”   Seems like any lingering stigma connected to the application of growth psychology, psychotherapy, emotional intelligence and questions of meaning and values to Wall Street companies has all but disappeared.  The words “spiritual” “soul” “psychological” “emotional” can now be found in the same sentences as “business growth” “practical” “successful company” “the economy” “the stock market” – and those sentences can be spoken out loud!

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash.  All rights reserved.

Part of the problem is the commonly held assumption that behavioral consulting requires the family business owner to admit he has a problem, something that’s tough for anyone to do, let alone the person who’s been leading – and has often created – a successful business enterprise. So I don’t even go there: the business owner need not “admit” emotional weakness, nor be forced to face what he prefers to avoid. Because even if one could overcome such resistance, it sets up an initial relationship based on taking sides: right/wrong, argue/defend, consultant/business owner.

Far better, in my experience, to engage a psychologist who understands business in general, the business in question in particular. One who is able to admit what s/he doesn’t understand, to ask questions, to learn. Far better to focus not on fixing emotional problems but on helping the business owner increase organizational effectiveness, by utilizing state of the art behavioral psychology research and methods. Far better to focus on problem solving, ridding the organization of obstacles to profitability, considering new approaches and ways of looking at longstanding unresolved concerns the owner brings to the attention of the advisor. When the focus is on the business problem, rather than the business owner’s problem, when the psychologist views herself as a resource rather than the expert, and when she can translate psychological insight into real business terms,  well, then you’ve got a fighting chance of helping a family firm transition profitably into the next generation – and still want to see one another at the Thanksgiving table!

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash.  All rights reserved.

“Happiness belongs to those who are easily contented.”
— Aristotle

Here’s a gentle reminder that Happiness is a state within us.  It is a chemical reaction based on where we put our focus, and from which perspective we choose to experience the world.

We are the ones who hold the key to lasting happiness. And we are the only ones who can deprive ourselves of the happiness that we all desire and deserve.

Sometimes, all it takes is a whisper of gratitude, to draw our focus back to our hearts and away from the discontentment and negativity that our minds are naturally attracted to.

This past Christmas, I took on the responsibility of cooking for our extended family. And when I was in the kitchen, preparing the food, I found my mind wandering off, thinking about negative things, thinking about things to complain about, thinking about certain people who made me upset.

I caught myself doing it, and was alarmed by the negative feeling it drew into my inner space.

And then I started to consciously redirect my attention towards being thankful. It was like a game.

As I was chopping vegetables, I would say –sometimes verbally- “I am so thankful that I have the resources to buy vegetables. I am so thankful for this knife, without it would be difficult to cut vegetables.” Standing at the sink, I would say, “I am so thankful that I have water. I am so thankful for this beautiful sink. It’s so useful and cool looking.”

Going to the fridge to get the ingredients for the next thing I was cooking, I’d say, “I am so thankful I have a fridge. I am so thankful for the fridge full of food.” Standing over the stove, “I am so thankful for this pot. I am so thankful for the beautiful gas stove, it has provided so much for our family’s needs. I love that it’s stainless steel and black.”

When I dropped something on the floor, as I picked it up, I would admire the beautiful wood floor, which we never take the time to appreciate, “I am so thankful for the wood floor, I love the red tint it reflects.” And as I am saying this, I would be reminded, “I am so thankful for this house. A house with all the characteristics we once dreamed about, and it became a reality. Thank you Universe for always watching out for my needs and always fulfilling my dreams.”.

This went on for some time.

At first, it felt fake and forceful, but slowly, the feeling of love and warmth over took me, and the whole experience of cooking became a dance with the flow of life; a pleasant experience; a meditation.

I became lost in the presence of that blissful hour, in the kitchen, lost in the abundance of each moment, with overflowing love.

It doesn’t take a lot to get you started on the path of being thankful.

Gratitude is the fast track to contentment, and contentment for our present life situation, contentment of this moment regardless of what is in front of us is the key to happiness. Simple.

Next time you find your mind wandering off to the land of discontentment, complaining, or negative thoughts, don’t give yourself a hard time. Instead, try the simple method above of giving thanks, to those things you are immediately interacting with.  ~ Fiamma Arditi

The Deadly Sin of Anger - Jacques Callot

Raising your voice. Yelling. Screaming, even.  Threats. Put downs. Innuendo. Hurling insults. Bullying.

They may be effective shutting people up. They may put others in their place, all right. They may get you heard, maybe even listened to.

But they are only the booby prize, a weak facsimile of real, demonstrable strength.  Strength under pressure, strength with grace, strength of purpose, strength of character, strength to count on — that strength is quiet, focused.

The strong person needn’t react; the strong person considers, and acts only when and how it best suits her and her goals.

The strong person needn’t threaten; the strong person simply DOES.

The strong person needn’t announce;  the strong person simply DECIDES FOR HIMSELF when, if, how to take action.

The strong person needn’t justify or defend; the strong person simply ASSUMES the right to her own position and power.

The strong person needn’t harden into position or get stuck in “being right”; the strong person can afford to listen.  And to change his mind.  Even to admit to being wrong.

Because it is the coward who cannot face being wrong.  It is the coward who must be right, rather than get it right.

The truly strong welcome the opportunity to learn, to change, to grow stronger.  Not by digging in their heels and closing down to other views or others’ views.  The strong trust enough in their inner strength to be flexible, vulnerable and open to change.  And in so doing, their quiet strength triumphs.

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

The Deadly Sin of Anger - Jacques Callot

People often act as if there are only two ways to handle anger:

They explode when they “will no longer put up with this!”  They yell, threaten, force, demand, even destroy to prove they are right, not afraid, can win.

or

They swallow it, believing it critical not to appear too angry, not to let others know their outrage.  They “rise above it,” they “let it go.”

But here’s the thing:

You can BE, LOOK, FEEL angry, too angry, outraged, too outraged… any feeling at all.

But you appear stronger when you BEHAVE in measured fashion.  When you can decide if and when to express what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, what you will/won’t do, what you expect of others.  That gives the impression you are strong enough to contain your (very strong) feelings, and put them to optimal use: showing self-control and control of the situation.

That the feelings don’t run the show, you do: a person who has strong feelings, a strong intellect, and the capacity to determine the course of action taken – by herself/himself and (by extension) by others.

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Ever get the sense the person you are talking to may hear you, but is not listening?

Want to be heard, really heard, before you lose your cool?

Before you begin

(by – and for – yourself):

1. Determine clear, specific objective for the conversation.
2. Have your facts available, preferably in bullet-point form.
3. Note alternatives if your objectives are not met (end the conversation, rethink your assumptions, time-out to cool down, enlist others, etc.).
4. Your goal: to reach similar conclusion, redefining the problem as a common problem to be solved together.  (Assume you are on the same team, simply with different information, points of view, which when shared lead to mutually satisfying conclusion.  Your job: to get you there).
5. Take a breath, collect yourself.

During the conversation:

1. State your (joint) objective.  Make sure you have buy-in from listener.
2. Ask listener to explain his point of view while you listen without reacting.(Repeat what you hear:  ensures you understand his position – and that he knows you take him seriously, are listening).
3. Ask if he’s done and will now listen to your point of view.
4. Keep it short.
5. Stick to the subject.Spell out (new) points of agreement, next steps.

Always Remember:

1. Respect.
2. Your tone of voice: patient explaining, interested listening, patient explaining. No attitude, yelling, condescension, bullying, insulting.
3. Facts, not personalities.  Contingencies, not threats. Best outcome for all, not who’s right and who’s wrong.
4. Breathe.  Remember your objective and goal.
5. If he stops listening, you stop talking (and start listening until he’s ready to listen again).

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

We met in the square.  Actually, I entered the square not knowing it was their square.  But – after they’d circled me and clucked at me and asked one another what they thought –  they told me I was welcome.  In their square, have a seat. In the sun.

They’d been waiting together, waiting for one another and with one another, for years. And now, it seems, they decided they’d been waiting for me.  They couldn’t have been more gracious.  They invited me to sit, to visit, to tell them about myself and my world.  The invited me to get to know them, to take their picture, to remember them, to let them remember me and the day we all fell in love…

Because really, what could be more intimate than being welcomed, invited to sit on the sunny bench in their square?  What could be more intimate than waiting, together, me and my guys…

Relationships come in all manner of packages.  Intimate moments are just waiting for us to find them, or to let them find us…

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Do all things come to those who wait?

What things would those be?  All good things? The things others leave behind?

The things worth waiting for?

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

“a lot more than the girl in the pink Cadillac on the Freeway of Love who also sings about Respect” ~ Aretha Franklin, December 18, 2010.

All of us who hear her voice and remember where we were when.  All of us who sing along – out loud, radio turned up, windows rolled down.  All of us who ever called on the Queen of Soul to give voice to the big feelings, the ones that matter, to our soul.  All of us, sending all she made us feel right back to her now, wishing her a speedy recovery, now that’s respect.

Bob Herbert paid homage to Aretha Franklin in today’s NYTimes: “if you listened closely, if you paid attention, it would just thrill you, take you to a place of exquisite human feeling. A region of laughter and tears. Of love and joyous possibilities.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/25/opinion/25herbert.html

We all need it.  We all deserve it.

And we all might consider how little it really takes:

• To treat one another with courtesy.
• To approach with deference.
• To hold one another in high regard.
• To choose to esteem.  To admire.
• To honor, even.

We can all afford that, can’t we?  We can’t afford not to…

Copyright © 2010 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.