Ever get the sense the person you are talking to may hear you, but is not listening?
Want to be heard, really heard, before you lose your cool?
Before you begin
(by – and for – yourself):
- Determine clear, specific objective for the conversation.
- Have your facts available, preferably in bullet-point form.
- Note alternatives if your objectives are not met (end the conversation, rethink your assumptions, time-out to cool down, enlist others, etc.).
- Your goal: to reach similar conclusion, redefining the problem as a common problem to be solved together. (Assume you are on the same team, simply with different information, points of view, which when shared lead to mutually satisfying conclusion. Your job: to get you there).
- Take a breath, collect yourself.
During the conversation:
- State your (joint) objective. Make sure you have buy-in from listener.
- Ask listener to explain his point of view while you listen without reacting.(Repeat what you hear: ensures you understand his position – and that he knows you take him seriously, are listening).
- Ask if he’s done and will now listen to your point of view.
- Keep it short.
- Stick to the subject.Spell out (new) points of agreement, next steps.
- Your tone of voice: patient explaining, interested listening, patient explaining. No attitude, yelling, condescension, bullying, insulting.
- Facts, not personalities. Contingencies, not threats. Best outcome for all, not who’s right and who’s wrong.
- Breathe. Remember your objective and goal.
- If he stops listening, you stop talking (and start listening until he’s ready to listen again).
Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.