Tag Archives: Intimate Relationships

THE 8 PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES THAT CAN SPELL SUCCESSION PLANNING DISASTER

LOGOWPMCAfter years of advising entrepreneurial partnerships and family businesses – often working collaboratively with their financial and legal advisors – it continues to be puzzling:  why don’t they plan adequately for succession when it makes no rational sense not to?

Well, the short answer is: because it makes a-rational (and sometimes irrational) sense not to.  But only by addressing the psychological and emotional issues everyone would rather avoid can rational decision making rule the day.  What are these issues that – unresolved – spell DISASTER?  With thanks to the research and in-the-field expertise of my colleagues, present and past,  I offer my own take on the founder and family issues to consider.  A  primer:

D eath –

  • The Founder:  “I’m gonna live forever” attitude – or s/he simply doesn’t want to face her/his own demise.
  • The Family:   Taboo to talk about mom/dad’s death, not to mention life afterward?

I dentity –

  • The Founder:  “Who am I without the business?”  S/he fears loss of identity, which is bound up with the company s/he created.
  • The Family:    They worry about the Founder without the business – and the business without the Founder.

S upremacy –

  • The Founder:  “I’ve still got what it takes, they won’t know how to run this company without me.”  S/he doesn’t want to relinquish power and control.
  • The Family:    How to wrestle with the head of the family about a different vision for the firm’s future, when s/he is still the one in control.

A mbivalence –

  • The Founder:  “Of course I want my kids to take over.”  But s/he somehow undermines that process…
  • The Family:     The next generation want to take over, but feel guilty about pushing mom/dad out.  And the spouse may both want and fear retirement.

S olo  act –

  • The Founder:  “I’ll figure it out.  I’ve done fine this far, with no one helping me.” Getting professional help is seen as a sign of weakness – or a waste of money.  Or time, for someone who’s more of a doer than a planner.
  • The Family:    Having always relied on, leaned on the Founder, they don’t want to face the realization that s/he cannot just ‘take care’ of this, too.

T ime –

  • The Founder:  “Not now.  They’re not ready yet.”  It’s never a good time.  And then there’s the heart attack, or buyout offer…
  • The Family:     The next gen are dealing with the stresses related to adjusting to adulthood: becoming independent, having their own children, marriage (divorce); the spouse has his/her own concerns.

E motions –

  • The Founder:   “I can’t deal with all that emotional stuff.”  Jealousy, rivalry, quarrelling, choosing among the children: all things better (easier) ignored.
  • The Family:      Jealousy, rivalry, quarrelling, choosing sides:  all the old, unresolved issues flare up – and new ones show themselves.

R oles –

  • The Founder:  “So what would I do if I’m not running the business? Play golf all day?”  S/he does not see a future that works once s/he steps down.
  • The Family:     Change affects everyone in the family, and in different ways.   And everyone in the family copes with change differently.

What to do ?  What helps?  To be continued …

 

Copyright © 2013  Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D.  All rights reserved.  

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The Nice and Not-So-Nice Therapist: Who is Really Nicer?

NICE ?

How nice should a therapist be?

Nice. Someone pleasant, agreeable.  “He’s such a nice guy,” we say, imagining someone good natured, kind-hearted.  Or  exacting, evidencing great skill:  “Nicely done!”  Or scrupulous, exacting, hard to please:  “Give me a nice piece of corned beef” – which really means “give me your best cut, extra lean!  Nice can mean trivial, easily dismissed: “that’s nice, but”  or treading carefully, behaving delicately: “be nice to your cousin!”  And then there’s making nice, acting as if one were feeling all those good things, somewhat hypocritally.  Oh, and the ironic nice, a nice that means not nice at all:that’s a nice way to say thank you!”

How can one word mean such different – even antithetical – things?  Its origin provides hints.  Originally Middle English, it meant stupid or foolish, deriving from the Latin nescius ignorant, by way of French.  It meant coy, reserved, and by the 16th century fastidious, later still  fine, subtle (considered by some the ‘correct’ sense, and on to the current pleasant, agreeable.

What happens when conflict and confrontation-avoidance masquerade as being nice?  When does acting nice not only not equal being or feeling nice, but actually serve as a cover for feelings that are anything but nice?  When is being nice a cop-out for not dealing with the difficult and messy – but important – stuff?

Which brings us to the question of the day:  Exactly how nice should your therapist be? How nice is therapeutic?

Therapy’s not about appearance, but substance.  And when it comes to the therapy experience,  there’s often a difference between nice and helpful.

If the therapist’s prime motivation is to be liked, well, then, she’s got to act nice to be seen as, thought of, as nice.  When being nice is crucial, gratifying the patient is crucial,  first and foremost, pretty much always.  Even if it means avoiding the tough stuff; especially if it means avoiding the tough stuff that doesn’t feel so, well, nice

But if the therapist’s prime motivation is to promote learning – to provide tools for a better life, to help her patient become all s/he can be, to heal – real trumps nice every day of the week.  It may not always feel nice.   But if your therapist  goes beyond skin-deep nice, if together you do more than scratch the surface – explore and understand and accept what’s real – you’ve got a shot at goodReal good.  Which has a whole lot more healing power than some ironic nice.

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Reasons to Leave your Therapist, Part III: Therapy Love? How about Therapy I’m starting to Hate?

September is back to school, back from summer vacation, and for many the beginning of a new year and a new beginning.  In our lives, some things are always beginning, and some ending, but it often takes contemplation to know which should be which…

How in the world do you know when to end therapy?  There are a number of scenarios, depending on you, your therapist, and your course of treatment. Leaving the good experience can be tough; ending a not-so-good, or a downright bad, therapy can be even more difficult.

Ending before you begin:  What’s a fair amount of time to decide if this is the (right) therapist for you?  What if you get a funny feeling early on?  What if you’ve been given a referral by someone you trust, and you have a terrific initial conversation, only to find something comes up early on that really bothers you?  Should you start with a therapist when you’re not so sure she’s the right one for you?

Yup.

Here’s a shortcut to what I think is the right balance:  you should feel comfortable enough to speak openly and honestly, but not so comfortable you feel as if you’re having coffee with a friend.  Go with your feelings.  If it feels right, dive in, if not, keep looking.

Ending in the middle:  You’ve hit a speed bump.  Maybe your therapist did something you didn’t like, or has turned out to have shortcomings you hadn’t seen before (I have certainly been guilty of both, and no doubt will again).  Maybe your therapy’s veered in a direction that doesn’t quite feel on the mark.  Maybe there’s something you just can’t bring up, maybe even bring yourself to face – about the problem that brought you in to therapy in the first place, about your feelings toward your therapist, about your thoughts or conclusions. 

Bring it up.  No matter what it is, whether you are “right” or “wrong” think you “should” feel this way or not, might “hurt feelings” or “make her angry.”  Bring it up.  Because that accomplishes two things:  you get it out and realize you’re still alive (hopefully with a tour guide who’s calm and compassionate), AND you get to see how your therapist reacts.  Does she minimize what you say, make you feel small or silly or just plain wrong or bad?  Or does she listen, take you seriously, consider her part in your discomfort and work with you to get over (not around) the bump?  Because that will tell you all you need to know.  Can’t avoid the bumps, I’m afraid; can avoid feeling afraid to talk about the bumps with the therapist who’s meant to help you do so.

Ending when it feels as if you’ve been going forever.  If therapy’s been uncomfortable and unproductive for a long time, if you find yourself leaving each session wondering why you bother,  if you keep trying to communicate something but your therapist really doesn’t seem to get it/you,  if you feel increasingly frustrated (maybe even angry), it’s time to reassess.

If, after months, maybe even years in therapy, you are feeling that you’ve hit a wall, chances are you have.  If, after months, maybe even years in therapy,  you are feeling unheard, you’ve got to wonder:  what will it take for this therapist to get me?  Actually, maybe you’ve got to stop wondering, and just start saying your goodbyes.  Because if you’ve invested months and years in treatment and your therapist still doesn’t get it, or you’ve stopped learning anything significant about yourself long ago, or if you’ve gotten stuck in the land of diminishing therapeutic returns: it is time to go.  Maybe time to end therapy, maybe just time to end therapy with this therapist.  Doesn’t mean it hasn’t been real, useful, important; just means it hasn’t been for a while.  A dry spell is one thing – every therapy relationship (geez, every relationship) goes through those – but a dry spell that lasts for weeks and months is more than a dry spell.  It’s a dessicated therapy experience.  And that is none too therapeutic.

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

You and Your Therapist: Part IIa. Therapy Love, Revisited

Sometimes I feel like there’s a wall between me and my therapist.  And sometimes I wish there were some sort of wall between me and my therapist!  It doesn’t make any sense to me.  And I worry:  does it mean she can’t help me?

It’s making me so uncomfortable!  How do I stop falling in love with my therapist?  It’s making me so uncomfortable! How do I keep my therapist from falling in love with me? 

Sometimes I think I don’t even like my therapist.  Do I have to for therapy to work?  I don’t think my therapist even likes me.  Does she have to for therapy to work? 

I hate it when my therapist is mad at me.   Why does it bother me so much? What do I do?  I hate it when I am mad at my therapist.  Why does it bother me so much?  What do I do?

Questions like these just keep rollin’ in to us here at Feeling Up in Down Times.  In the initial installment of Therapy Love, we addressed those good  (sometimes confusingly so) feelings:  loving your therapist – or wondering if your therapist loves you.  But what about all the uncomfortable negative feelings:  worrying if your therapist secretly hates you – or if you secretly hate your therapist?  Worrying if your therapist is angry with you for not acting on what you’ve supposedly been learning in your therapy.  Worrying if you’re too angry with your therapist for therapy to be helpful.

When you come to trust someone as much as you can the therapist you share so much of yourself with, when you come to trust your therapist “gets” you, you’d think you’d feel comfortable, safe, free to be yourself.  And that is usuallythe case.  But in a cruel twist of fate, it can also mean that whatever negative feelings do come up seem particularly meaningful and important.  And that, in turn, makes it both more uncomfortable to share them with your therapist – and more important to do so.

Maybe those negative feelings are so uncomfortable because the relationship comes to matter so much.  Because therapy love just feels so real, almost like the real thing.  Therapy Love is a real thing, it’s just not the realthing.  Therapy love is a state of heightened emotions in a situation where your every emotion is under a microscope:  one you and your therapist share and look through together.  Or – often and –  a microscope you’re uncomfortable having anyone else look through, especially your therapist.  All in an intimate relationship that looks and feels just enough like a real life relationship to make you wonder:  what’s going on here, and what do I do about it?

You take a deep breath.  You bring it up, into the light of day.  You explore the realm of contradictory feelings, the juxtaposition of loving and hating.  Because the one thing you can count on if you do risk sharing those tough feelings with your therapist  is that you’ll learn an awful lot.  About yourself.  About yourself in relationships. It’s rare to have a dedicated person and place to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly – with the very person you’re feeling those things about, when you’re feeling those things.  Unlike the other people you may love, your therapist doesn’t have any vested interest in the outcome.  Your therapist is working for your insight, in your best interest.  It starts in the relationship between you, but it extends beyond that, way beyond that.

Even with any fears or anger or disappointment.  Even better than any fantasies.  And  that just might be the best thing about Therapy Love.

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

I’ve Hit a Wall. Help!

When I began this blog, I intended to focus on the psychological effects of the economic downturn, and to provide tools for the stress the roiling markets produced.  Who would have guessed just how often I’d get requests for advice on how to manage the therapeutic alliance!  How to get your therapist to like you.  How to get your therapist to love you.  How to leave your therapist.  How to make sure you don’t have to leave your therapist.  How to handle it when your therapist leaves you.

But one of the biggest surprises of all is just how often the search that brings someone to my blog is “How to mess with my therapist’s head.”  I admit I am stymied.  Why in the world would anyone want to do that?  Why spend your money and your time supposedly seeking treatment from a professional when what you really want to do is pull one over on him or her?  Assuming you’re in a bona fide psychotherapy, which you pay for with your hard-earned time, money and commitment to self-disclosure, isn’t it a waste to focus on subterfuge, misleading your therapist, playing games, even vengeance?

Help me out here:  what, exactly, is this all about?  And why are so many people interested in how to do the best job undermining the very therapist they pay to help them?  Any thoughts would be most appreciated.  There’s clearly something here for me to learn!

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Dr. P’s Pithy Adages & Epigrams

Bridges:  Tips For Knowing How to Cross Over – and When to Let ’em Burn*

A hypothesis:  What is “obvious” seldom is.   “It’s obvious that she thinks________ ” usually means “I assume – and am now convinced – that she thinks_______.” More often than not, my conviction of the obvious truth is not true at all.  In fact, the stronger my conviction that something you feel or think “obviously” means whatever I am certain it means, the more it’s likely to tell you about me, rather than you. What do you think?  Does this ring true to you?

Here’s the thing:   Inertia isn’t going to get you anywhere you want to go.

The assumption: Everyone thinks the way you do. Or, if they don’t, they should.  Nope.  They don’t.

Nodding your head in agreement as you look someone in the eye, all the while waiting your turn to speak, is not the same thing as listening.  No matter how politely you smile, how patiently you point yourself in his direction.

It’s funny how people rewrite history, isn’t it?  And it’s generally to suit not only what they wish had happened, but who they wish they had been.

Few things in life take more courage than facing the truth about oneself.

If you don’t get your point across the first time, you can say it again, louder. If that doesn’t work, louder still.  Then louder, again.                                                     Or you can try another approach that might actually work…

Who are you when no one is looking?

Before you blow off a problem, make sure it won’t come ‘round and whack you in the back of the head when you least expect or can afford to deal with it.

You might as well forget the first clause of any sentence the second clause of which begins “, but…” 

For the person listening to you, suggesting “it’s just a little ______” doesn’t minimize the attendant issue, it minimizes him.  Not good.

You don’t get to decide someone else’s “no big deal.”

Your partner knows that your “I understand” sometimes really means “I’ve had enough.”

Haste may make waste, but beware of lingering too long at the fair…

It doesn’t cost extra to be kind.  And patience isn’t a waste of time.

Sometimes the only thing you know is what doesn’t work.  It’s a good idea then to try just about anything else…

Anything real and alive is flawed in some way.  Perfect is Disneyland: beautiful surface, but there’s no there there.

There’s power that derives from position.  There’s the power that derives from influence.  There’s power that derives from instilling fear.  There’s power that derives from controlling resources.  There’s power that derives from force.  There’s power that derives from expertise.  There’s power that derives from personality.  There’s power that derives from coalitions.  There’s power that derives from respect.  There’s power that derives from moral authority…

When you push down the bad feelings, lots of the good ones get pushed down, too.

If you have to tell someone “it’s obvious,” it isn’t.

Resolve it, don’t dissolve it.

You can be right or you can be a working team…

~ Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

*~ Paro

 

Intimate Relationships Newly Defined.

So here they are.   My guys (I don’t think they’d mind knowing I think of them that way).  The one who’s in love with me.  The one who can’t live without me.  The one who doesn’t say a word but can’t stop staring and smiling at me.  The one who can’t really see or hear me but just has to talk for a few more minutes.  The one who doesn’t need to talk at all, just sit together…

We met in the square.  Actually, I entered the square not knowing it was their square.  But – after they’d circled me and clucked at me and asked one another what they thought –  they told me I was welcome.  In their square, have a seat. In the sun.

They’d been waiting together, waiting for one another and with one another, for years. And now, it seems, they decided they’d been waiting for me.  They couldn’t have been more gracious.  They invited me to sit, to visit, to tell them about myself and my world.  The invited me to get to know them, to take their picture, to remember them, to let them remember me and the day we all fell in love…

Because really, what could be more intimate than being welcomed, invited to sit on the sunny bench in their square?  What could be more intimate than waiting, together, me and my guys…

Relationships come in all manner of packages.  Intimate moments are just waiting for us to find them, or to let them find us…

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.