ADHD, MDHD*: Attention, Mindfulness and the Zeitgeist of Disorder

Four articles in three sections of today’s The New York Times on how we do (and don’t) focus our minds – and how we can (and might) do so for the better.  They’re onto something.

In his review of Daniel Goleman’s new book, “Focus:  The Hidden Driver of Excellence,” Nicholas Carr describes how Stephen Dedalus “monitors his thoughts without reining them in” as an example of open awareness, one of many types of awareness Goleman details (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/03/books/review/focus-by-daniel-goleman.html?smid=pl-share).  In “Jumper Cables for the Mind,” Dan Hurley reports on tDCS at Harvard’s Laboratory of Neuromodulation, and research that shows low voltage electrical brain stimulation seems to enhance any number of cognitive functions(http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/03/magazine/jumper-cables-for-the-mind.html?smid=pl-share). David Hochman, in “Mindfulness at Every Turn,” details the increasing reach of mindfulness: the Marine Corps, Silicon Valley, The Huffington Post (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/03/fashion/mindfulness-and-meditation-are-capturing-attention.html?smid=pl-share).  And Clive Thompson’s “Brain Game,” the subject of Walter Isaacson’s review, proposes an increasing reliance on “intelligence amplification,” human cognition harnessed to the power of computers (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/03/books/review/smarter-than-you-think-by-clive-thompson.html?smid=pl-share). 

As a psychologist and psychotherapist who has been involved in mindfulness education since the late ’60’s (when it was called meditation), and integrative medicine before it had a name, this explosion of interest in expanding awareness and increasing attention – improving the powers of the mind – thrills me.  I’m all for anything that increases compassionate awareness and improves attention:  for my clients, my patients, our children, and certainly myself.

The idea of “more, better” is as American as it gets, and I’m all for more and better when it comes to the mind.  But I’ve got some reservations about the how of all this.  The selling of mindfulness seems somehow antithetical to the very acceptance mindfulness cultivation strives for.  And it may seem a strange thing for a psychologist whose focus is on problem solving to say, but life is not simply a problem to be solved.

Hegel supposed that all art is a reflection of the time in which it is created; the same is no doubt true of the psychological arts.  Ours is a time when excellence is valued.  Not necessarily the pursuit of excellence, however.  We like our accomplishments big and easy and fast.  And the improvement of mental functioning, while often shockingly quick when we begin proper training, is indeed a lifelong practice.  In it for the long haul, not simply for today’s trend.

Training takes practice.  So why bother?

When we correlate attention solely with achievement, we limit what the mind can do even as we improve our chances for success.  Just as an efficient laser requires vast numbers of atoms in an excited state, our human laser-like focus, so crucial for excellence in completing many tasks, requires a ramping up of very specific kinds of attention.  As we learn more about the brain’s neuroplasticity – and apply ever more sophisticated technology – exciting real life applications will allow us to improve attention.  An eye surgeon focuses his attention as well as his laser beam, and a good thing that is.  But while a  laser can attain and sustain this heightened excitation and focus, we, on the other hand, experience stress in response to the demand for constant laser-like focus.  We can focus our attention sharply and well – but only for so long.

We also require rest.

But what is the nature of the rest we require?  Not the sort of lack of attention we often choose: multi-tasking, zoning out, mindlessly watching tv, texting while talking and walking.  Divided attention does not refresh, it simply provides a break from the intensity of single focus attention.

What is the awareness that refreshes?

Open awareness, mindfulness, the meditative state.  The form really doesn’t matter.  Pick and choose,  try a form that suits, or try one and switch to another.  What matters is the ongoing practice of focusing awareness, even while accepting all the gyrations of mind that accompany the attempt to do so.  We can quiet the “monkey mind” with practice, but not by ignoring or drugging away our thoughts and feelings.

Focused attention AND open awareness.  We need both for success in accomplishing our goals, and success in living a fulfilled life.  Both.  And both can be improved – greatly – through practice.   It may seem an oxymoron, but research has shown what generations (and other cultures) know: the work of improving attention and awareness mean less stress, increased productivity, and happier lives.

* Mindfulness Disorder, with and without hyperactivity

Copyright © 2013  Marlin S. Potash, Ed.D.  All rights reserved.  

The Nice and Not-So-Nice Therapist: Who is Really Nicer?

NICE ?

How nice should a therapist be?

Nice. Someone pleasant, agreeable.  “He’s such a nice guy,” we say, imagining someone good natured, kind-hearted.  Or  exacting, evidencing great skill:  “Nicely done!”  Or scrupulous, exacting, hard to please:  “Give me a nice piece of corned beef” – which really means “give me your best cut, extra lean!  Nice can mean trivial, easily dismissed: “that’s nice, but…”  or treading carefully, behaving delicately: “be nice to your cousin!”  And then there’s making nice, acting as if one were feeling all those good things, somewhat hypocritally.  Oh, and the ironic nice, a nice that means not nice at all: “that’s a nice way to say thank you!”

How can one word mean such different – even antithetical – things?  Its origin provides hints.  Originally Middle English, it meant stupid or foolish, deriving from the Latin nescius ignorant, by way of French.  It meant coy, reserved, and by the 16th century fastidious, later still  fine, subtle (considered by some the ‘correct’ sense, and on to the current pleasant, agreeable.

What happens when conflict and confrontation-avoidance masquerade as being nice?  When does acting nice not only not equal being or feeling nice, but actually serve as a cover for feelings that are anything but nice?  When is being nice a cop-out for not dealing with the difficult and messy – but important – stuff?

Which brings us to the question of the day:  Exactly how nice should your therapist be? How nice is therapeutic?

Therapy’s not about appearance, but substance.  And when it comes to the therapy experience,  there’s often a difference between nice and helpful.

If the therapist’s prime motivation is to be liked, well, then, she’s got to act nice to be seen as, thought of, as nice.  When being nice is crucial, gratifying the patient is crucial,  first and foremost, pretty much always.  Even if it means avoiding the tough stuff; especially if it means avoiding the tough stuff that doesn’t feel so, well, nice…

But if the therapist’s prime motivation is to promote learning – to provide tools for a better life, to help her patient become all s/he can be, to heal – real trumps nice every day of the week.  It may not always feel nice.   But if your therapist  goes beyond skin-deep nice, if together you do more than scratch the surface – explore and understand and accept what’s real – you’ve got a shot at good.  Real good.  Which has a whole lot more healing power than some ironic nice.

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

You and Your Therapist: Part IIa. Therapy Love, Revisited

Sometimes I feel like there’s a wall between me and my therapist.  And sometimes I wish there were some sort of wall between me and my therapist!  It doesn’t make any sense to me.  And I worry:  does it mean she can’t help me?

It’s making me so uncomfortable!  How do I stop falling in love with my therapist?  It’s making me so uncomfortable! How do I keep my therapist from falling in love with me? 

Sometimes I think I don’t even like my therapist.  Do I have to for therapy to work?  I don’t think my therapist even likes me.  Does she have to for therapy to work? 

I hate it when my therapist is mad at me.   Why does it bother me so much? What do I do?  I hate it when I am mad at my therapist.  Why does it bother me so much?  What do I do?

Questions like these just keep rollin’ in to us here at Feeling Up in Down Times.  In the initial installment of Therapy Love, we addressed those good  (sometimes confusingly so) feelings:  loving your therapist – or wondering if your therapist loves you.  But what about all the uncomfortable negative feelings:  worrying if your therapist secretly hates you – or if you secretly hate your therapist?  Worrying if your therapist is angry with you for not acting on what you’ve supposedly been learning in your therapy.  Worrying if you’re too angry with your therapist for therapy to be helpful.

When you come to trust someone as much as you can the therapist you share so much of yourself with, when you come to trust your therapist “gets” you, you’d think you’d feel comfortable, safe, free to be yourself.  And that is usuallythe case.  But in a cruel twist of fate, it can also mean that whatever negative feelings do come up seem particularly meaningful and important.  And that, in turn, makes it both more uncomfortable to share them with your therapist – and more important to do so.

Maybe those negative feelings are so uncomfortable because the relationship comes to matter so much.  Because therapy love just feels so real, almost like the real thing.  Therapy Love is a real thing, it’s just not the realthing.  Therapy love is a state of heightened emotions in a situation where your every emotion is under a microscope:  one you and your therapist share and look through together.  Or – often and –  a microscope you’re uncomfortable having anyone else look through, especially your therapist.  All in an intimate relationship that looks and feels just enough like a real life relationship to make you wonder:  what’s going on here, and what do I do about it?

You take a deep breath.  You bring it up, into the light of day.  You explore the realm of contradictory feelings, the juxtaposition of loving and hating.  Because the one thing you can count on if you do risk sharing those tough feelings with your therapist  is that you’ll learn an awful lot.  About yourself.  About yourself in relationships. It’s rare to have a dedicated person and place to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly – with the very person you’re feeling those things about, when you’re feeling those things.  Unlike the other people you may love, your therapist doesn’t have any vested interest in the outcome.  Your therapist is working for your insight, in your best interest.  It starts in the relationship between you, but it extends beyond that, way beyond that.

Even with any fears or anger or disappointment.  Even better than any fantasies.  And  that just might be the best thing about Therapy Love.

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Soothe the Stress: A Conscious Breathing Meditation

I was recently asked to put together a conscious breathing meditation for someone who finds reading an easier way to focus than listening to a pre-recorded meditation – and for whom simply returning to a focal point may well be simple, but is not at all easy.  The following meditation is meant to be read, either silently or, if one wanted to, recorded in one’s own voice.  Thought I’d share it here for anyone else who might find it helpful.  Comments – always – appreciated.

Make certain you won’t be disturbed.  Turn off the tv and quiet all electronic devices.  Close the door and quietly yet clearly tell yourself you have decided you will now do a conscious breathing meditation.  Determine if you will give yourself 3-5 minutes, or if you might set aside 15-20 minutes.  Either way, consciously decide you will now do a breathing meditation, and gently tell yourself you will now begin.

Sit comfortably, by which I mean sit with your feet uncrossed and on the floor, and your hands uncrossed in your lap or resting on the arms of the chair.  Let the chair support your weight;  feel the floor under your feet. Or lie down comfortably – supported and uncrossed – on the floor.  If your body wants to shift position as your meditation progresses, that’s fine.  Just start out uncrossed and supported by chair or floor.

Close your eyes and focus your awareness on your breath.  Nothing to do, nothing to worry about, simply notice your breath coming into your body, and moving out of your body.  And again.  And again.  As you focus your awareness on your breath, you may notice your breathing gets deeper – or more shallow.  If it changes, fine.  If it does not change, fine.  Simply focus your awareness on your breath as you inhale and exhale. Notice your breath coming into your body, moving through your body, and moving out of your body.  And again.

Good.

Now allow your awareness of your breath to gently shift, as you focus on HOW you inhale through your nose.  Notice how your breath fills your chest and belly. And then focus on HOW you exhale, also through your nose.  Nothing to do, nothing to change, just focusing your awareness on your breathing however it is in this moment.

You are becoming mindful of your breath, focusing your awareness on your breath, becoming conscious of your breathing.  Nothing to do, nothing to worry about; no correct way, no incorrect way.  Simply focusing your awareness on your breath.  As it moves into your body, as you inhale through your nose.  As it moves through your body, filling your chest and belly with breath.  As it moves out of your body, as you exhale through your nose.  Notice how it is your breath moves into, through, and out of your body.

Good.  As you continue to focus your awareness on your breath, imagine it is as if your breath were breathing you.  As if you were watching a movie called “My breath is breathing me.”  You needn’t do anything; your breath continues with or without your conscious awareness.  You are now choosing to be aware of your breath.

Focus your awareness on your breath as you inhale through your nose.  Focus your awareness on your breath as it fills your chest and belly. Focus your awareness on your breath as you exhale through your nose.

Your mind may wander: remembering something you must do, worrying about a deadline, wondering how you are doing at this meditation.  Minds wander.  It is what minds do.  When your mind wanders, when you become aware of your mind wandering, bring it back to focus on your breath, easily and gently.

Focus your awareness on your breath as you inhale through your nose.  Focus your awareness on your breath as it fills your chest and belly. Focus your awareness on your breath as you exhale through your nose.

Again.  And again.  And again.

Good.

You may find it helpful, as you breathe in, to say to yourself, ‘Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.’ And as you breathe out, to say ‘Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.’  Or “Breath in” and “Breath out.”  Or you may find it helpful, as you breathe, to count your breaths.  If you care to try one of these, do try it.  If not, do not.  Either with or without one of the above, you are focusing your awareness on your breath, recognizing your in-breath as an in-breath and your out-breath as an out-breath. And gently bringing your mind back to awareness on your breathing when it wanders.

Focus your awareness on your breath as you inhale through your nose.  Focus your awareness on your breath as it fills your chest and belly. Focus your awareness on your breath as you exhale through your nose.

Again.  And again.  And again.

Good.  And when you have finished, remember you can bring this feeling of focused awareness with you, as you slowly open your eyes and return to the room.

 

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

I’ve Hit a Wall. Help!

When I began this blog, I intended to focus on the psychological effects of the economic downturn, and to provide tools for the stress the roiling markets produced.  Who would have guessed just how often I’d get requests for advice on how to manage the therapeutic alliance!  How to get your therapist to like you.  How to get your therapist to love you.  How to leave your therapist.  How to make sure you don’t have to leave your therapist.  How to handle it when your therapist leaves you.

But one of the biggest surprises of all is just how often the search that brings someone to my blog is “How to mess with my therapist’s head.”  I admit I am stymied.  Why in the world would anyone want to do that?  Why spend your money and your time supposedly seeking treatment from a professional when what you really want to do is pull one over on him or her?  Assuming you’re in a bona fide psychotherapy, which you pay for with your hard-earned time, money and commitment to self-disclosure, isn’t it a waste to focus on subterfuge, misleading your therapist, playing games, even vengeance?

Help me out here:  what, exactly, is this all about?  And why are so many people interested in how to do the best job undermining the very therapist they pay to help them?  Any thoughts would be most appreciated.  There’s clearly something here for me to learn!

Copyright © 2012 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Dr. P’s Pithy Adages & Epigrams

Bridges:  Tips For Knowing How to Cross Over – and When to Let ’em Burn*

A hypothesis:  What is “obvious” seldom is.   “It’s obvious that she thinks________ ” usually means “I assume – and am now convinced – that she thinks_______.” More often than not, my conviction of the obvious truth is not true at all.  In fact, the stronger my conviction that something you feel or think “obviously” means whatever I am certain it means, the more it’s likely to tell you about me, rather than you. What do you think?  Does this ring true to you?

Here’s the thing:   Inertia isn’t going to get you anywhere you want to go.

The assumption: Everyone thinks the way you do. Or, if they don’t, they should.  Nope.  They don’t.

Nodding your head in agreement as you look someone in the eye, all the while waiting your turn to speak, is not the same thing as listening.  No matter how politely you smile, how patiently you point yourself in his direction.

It’s funny how people rewrite history, isn’t it?  And it’s generally to suit not only what they wish had happened, but who they wish they had been.

Few things in life take more courage than facing the truth about oneself.

If you don’t get your point across the first time, you can say it again, louder. If that doesn’t work, louder still.  Then louder, again.                                                     Or you can try another approach that might actually work…

Who are you when no one is looking?

Before you blow off a problem, make sure it won’t come ‘round and whack you in the back of the head when you least expect or can afford to deal with it.

You might as well forget the first clause of any sentence the second clause of which begins “, but…” 

For the person listening to you, suggesting “it’s just a little ______” doesn’t minimize the attendant issue, it minimizes him.  Not good.

You don’t get to decide someone else’s “no big deal.”

Your partner knows that your “I understand” sometimes really means “I’ve had enough.”

Haste may make waste, but beware of lingering too long at the fair…

It doesn’t cost extra to be kind.  And patience isn’t a waste of time.

Sometimes the only thing you know is what doesn’t work.  It’s a good idea then to try just about anything else…

Anything real and alive is flawed in some way.  Perfect is Disneyland: beautiful surface, but there’s no there there.

There’s power that derives from position.  There’s the power that derives from influence.  There’s power that derives from instilling fear.  There’s power that derives from controlling resources.  There’s power that derives from force.  There’s power that derives from expertise.  There’s power that derives from personality.  There’s power that derives from coalitions.  There’s power that derives from respect.  There’s power that derives from moral authority…

When you push down the bad feelings, lots of the good ones get pushed down, too.

If you have to tell someone “it’s obvious,” it isn’t.

Resolve it, don’t dissolve it.

You can be right or you can be a working team…

~ Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

*~ Paro

 

Soothe the Stress, With Thanks

ennio morricone:  Le Vent, Le Cri

Some things are beyond words…

As the Clock Ticks: Anxiously Awaiting the Fate of the Debt Ceiling . Heaved Up or Heave-Ho ?

And these are the Days of Our Lives…

Reality TV?  The looming default.  The deadlines (August 2?  August 10?).  The soaring VIX.  The reach for aspirin and antacid.  The Boehner Bill vs. the Reid Bill.  The hope for a bipartisan agreement.  The shifting landscape: when, what, who, how?  The fear of implications: for Social Security, jobs, 401K, mortgage interest rates.  The threat of a stranglehold on fragile economic growth.  The likely downgrading of U.S. credit rating from AAA to  AA.   The Dow’s worst weekly decline in almost a year.

The need for unbiased news – and explanations.  The frantic search for safe haven –  gold? cash? corporate bonds? – or inertia?  The grab for the Business Section – and someone to translate.  The end of the fantasy of any sort of reasonable plan to retire…

The erosion of faith and the lack of control.  The difficulty distinguishing what to expect from what to worry about.  The stress of trying to prepare for the unpredictable. The reactions to looming but poorly understood threat. Free-floating anxiety, summer of 2011 style.  Is it any wonder that anxiety seems to have gone through the roof?  Crashed through the debt ceiling, as it were?

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

The Psychologist as Business Consultant

“Being a psychologist” in a business setting too often translates as “You are analyzing (read: assuming you know and judging) me,” “You think I need therapy,” “You’re wasting time we could use accomplishing something,” or “You really think psychobabble talk and bearing my soul isn’t a waste of time?” Psychologist, therapist, counselor, and now, goodness knows, executive coach: professional know-it-all’s who give business advice without understanding how, when, why businesses really work.

So what could a psychologist potentially bring to the privately-held business table?

Psychologist as social scientist: frames hypotheses and conducts research in the areas of human behavior, personality development and change.

Psychologist as clinician: observes and analyzes how people think, feel, and behave.

Psychologist as health service provider: applies behavioral science research to alleviating emotional and mental distress for individuals, couples, families.

Psychologist as organizational consultant: utilizes knowledge of human behavior and interpersonal dynamics to optimize group, team and leadership functioning.

Most psychologists specialize in one of the above. A psychologist who’s useful in a family business context is ideally expert in all four. S/he should understand how individual personalities, styles and psychological needs impact this particular organization, and how the organization and its processes impact individual behavior. S/he should understand how business works, how this particular business works: the nature of the business, the market, the competitive landscape, the financial structure, external factors that impact success.

And – most uniquely – s/he should creatively utilize psychological thought processes to achieve tangible financial results. Because in this context, the goal is not to understand, not to feel better, not to share touchy-feely ‘kumbaya’ moments, but to optimize the organizational processes that will sustain growth and make more money.

Questions to ask to get at all that?

“In the following business scenario, what are the issues that need to be addressed – and why? What is unique about your ability to help us solve the problem?” – You want someone who offers a different, insightful, useful!, perspective on the problems the business needs solved.

“What do you need to know to be of use to us?” – You want someone who knows what s/he needs to know and learn about how the business runs, who can read a spreadsheet and speak the language.

And then there are the old standbys:

“Your experience with privately-held businesses? Successful outcomes? Failures?”

“How can you help us increase profitability?”

“Got any references?”

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash.  All rights reserved.

Doing Well and Doing Good: The Soul Hits the Big Time

Who’d have thought?  This morning, Maria Bartiroma of the Wall Street Journal interviewing Deepak Chopra, “a spiritual leader” on the practical application of the spiritual to leadership in politics and business.   How?

He says leaders can learn spiritual leadership skills.  “You learn to ask the right questions.  Where are we now?  Where would we like to be?  How do we get there?” Chopra says.

So what is Chopra’s definition of what a good leader does?

His acronym for effective lead-from-the-soul leaders:

• Look and listen
• Emotional bonding
• Awareness
• Doing
• Empowerment
• Responsibility
• Synchronicity

Bartiroma questioned – on her mainstream Sunday morning business talk show – how he keeps the focus on his “core values, the integrity of the brand that has (his) name on it.”   Seems like any lingering stigma connected to the application of growth psychology, psychotherapy, emotional intelligence and questions of meaning and values to Wall Street companies has all but disappeared.  The words “spiritual” “soul” “psychological” “emotional” can now be found in the same sentences as “business growth” “practical” “successful company” “the economy” “the stock market” – and those sentences can be spoken out loud!

Deepak Chopra, Chopra Center for Wellbeing – CNBC.com.

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash.  All rights reserved.

When the Family Business Owner Needs a Psychologist. (Or his kids, partners, attorney think he does)…

As a psychologist working in this space for over 25 years, I’ve learned how difficult it often is for a family advisor – attorney, banker, accountant – to introduce a psychologist into a family business. It’s a delicate matter, one requiring tact, diplomacy, impeccable timing, a real understanding of the business’ needs and a strong belief that the understanding of oneself and one’s relationships with others is central to success in business.

Part of the problem is the commonly held assumption that behavioral consulting requires the family business owner to admit he has a problem, something that’s tough for anyone to do, let alone the person who’s been leading – and has often created – a successful business enterprise. So I don’t even go there: the business owner need not “admit” emotional weakness, nor be forced to face what he prefers to avoid. Because even if one could overcome such resistance, it sets up an initial relationship based on taking sides: right/wrong, argue/defend, consultant/business owner.

Far better, in my experience, to engage a psychologist who understands business in general, the business in question in particular. One who is able to admit what s/he doesn’t understand, to ask questions, to learn. Far better to focus not on fixing emotional problems but on helping the business owner increase organizational effectiveness, by utilizing state of the art behavioral psychology research and methods. Far better to focus on problem solving, ridding the organization of obstacles to profitability, considering new approaches and ways of looking at longstanding unresolved concerns the owner brings to the attention of the advisor. When the focus is on the business problem, rather than the business owner’s problem, when the psychologist views herself as a resource rather than the expert, and when she can translate psychological insight into real business terms,  well, then you’ve got a fighting chance of helping a family firm transition profitably into the next generation – and still want to see one another at the Thanksgiving table!

 

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash.  All rights reserved.

A Happiness Meditation

And this, from my dear friend, my wise friend, Fiamma Arditi,

Director, journalist at Senza Frontiere film festival:

“Happiness belongs to those who are easily contented.”
— Aristotle

Here’s a gentle reminder that Happiness is a state within us.  It is a chemical reaction based on where we put our focus, and from which perspective we choose to experience the world.

We are the ones who hold the key to lasting happiness. And we are the only ones who can deprive ourselves of the happiness that we all desire and deserve.

Sometimes, all it takes is a whisper of gratitude, to draw our focus back to our hearts and away from the discontentment and negativity that our minds are naturally attracted to.

This past Christmas, I took on the responsibility of cooking for our extended family. And when I was in the kitchen, preparing the food, I found my mind wandering off, thinking about negative things, thinking about things to complain about, thinking about certain people who made me upset.

I caught myself doing it, and was alarmed by the negative feeling it drew into my inner space.

And then I started to consciously redirect my attention towards being thankful. It was like a game.

As I was chopping vegetables, I would say –sometimes verbally- “I am so thankful that I have the resources to buy vegetables. I am so thankful for this knife, without it would be difficult to cut vegetables.” Standing at the sink, I would say, “I am so thankful that I have water. I am so thankful for this beautiful sink. It’s so useful and cool looking.”

Going to the fridge to get the ingredients for the next thing I was cooking, I’d say, “I am so thankful I have a fridge. I am so thankful for the fridge full of food.” Standing over the stove, “I am so thankful for this pot. I am so thankful for the beautiful gas stove, it has provided so much for our family’s needs. I love that it’s stainless steel and black.”

When I dropped something on the floor, as I picked it up, I would admire the beautiful wood floor, which we never take the time to appreciate, “I am so thankful for the wood floor, I love the red tint it reflects.” And as I am saying this, I would be reminded, “I am so thankful for this house. A house with all the characteristics we once dreamed about, and it became a reality. Thank you Universe for always watching out for my needs and always fulfilling my dreams.”.

This went on for some time.

At first, it felt fake and forceful, but slowly, the feeling of love and warmth over took me, and the whole experience of cooking became a dance with the flow of life; a pleasant experience; a meditation.

I became lost in the presence of that blissful hour, in the kitchen, lost in the abundance of each moment, with overflowing love.

It doesn’t take a lot to get you started on the path of being thankful.

Gratitude is the fast track to contentment, and contentment for our present life situation, contentment of this moment regardless of what is in front of us is the key to happiness. Simple.

Next time you find your mind wandering off to the land of discontentment, complaining, or negative thoughts, don’t give yourself a hard time. Instead, try the simple method above of giving thanks, to those things you are immediately interacting with.  ~ Fiamma Arditi

Anger Management, Part 2

The Deadly Sin of Anger - Jacques Callot

Raising your voice. Yelling. Screaming, even.  Threats. Put downs. Innuendo. Hurling insults. Bullying.

They may be effective shutting people up. They may put others in their place, all right. They may get you heard, maybe even listened to.

But they are only the booby prize, a weak facsimile of real, demonstrable strength.  Strength under pressure, strength with grace, strength of purpose, strength of character, strength to count on — that strength is quiet, focused.

The strong person needn’t react; the strong person considers, and acts only when and how it best suits her and her goals.

The strong person needn’t threaten; the strong person simply DOES.

The strong person needn’t announce;  the strong person simply DECIDES FOR HIMSELF when, if, how to take action.

The strong person needn’t justify or defend; the strong person simply ASSUMES the right to her own position and power.

The strong person needn’t harden into position or get stuck in “being right”; the strong person can afford to listen.  And to change his mind.  Even to admit to being wrong.

Because it is the coward who cannot face being wrong.  It is the coward who must be right, rather than get it right.

The truly strong welcome the opportunity to learn, to change, to grow stronger.  Not by digging in their heels and closing down to other views or others’ views.  The strong trust enough in their inner strength to be flexible, vulnerable and open to change.  And in so doing, their quiet strength triumphs.

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

Anger Management, Part 1

The Deadly Sin of Anger - Jacques Callot

People often act as if there are only two ways to handle anger:

They explode when they “will no longer put up with this!”  They yell, threaten, force, demand, even destroy to prove they are right, not afraid, can win.

or

They swallow it, believing it critical not to appear too angry, not to let others know their outrage.  They “rise above it,” they “let it go.”

But here’s the thing:

You can BE, LOOK, FEEL angry, too angry, outraged, too outraged… any feeling at all.

But you appear stronger when you BEHAVE in measured fashion.  When you can decide if and when to express what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, what you will/won’t do, what you expect of others.  That gives the impression you are strong enough to contain your (very strong) feelings, and put them to optimal use: showing self-control and control of the situation.

That the feelings don’t run the show, you do: a person who has strong feelings, a strong intellect, and the capacity to determine the course of action taken – by herself/himself and (by extension) by others.

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.

How to Get Him to Listen: A Primer

Ever get the sense the person you are talking to may hear you, but is not listening?

Want to be heard, really heard, before you lose your cool?

Before you begin

(by – and for – yourself):

1. Determine clear, specific objective for the conversation.
2. Have your facts available, preferably in bullet-point form.
3. Note alternatives if your objectives are not met (end the conversation, rethink your assumptions, time-out to cool down, enlist others, etc.).
4. Your goal: to reach similar conclusion, redefining the problem as a common problem to be solved together.  (Assume you are on the same team, simply with different information, points of view, which when shared lead to mutually satisfying conclusion.  Your job: to get you there).
5. Take a breath, collect yourself.

During the conversation:

1. State your (joint) objective.  Make sure you have buy-in from listener.
2. Ask listener to explain his point of view while you listen without reacting.(Repeat what you hear:  ensures you understand his position – and that he knows you take him seriously, are listening).
3. Ask if he’s done and will now listen to your point of view.
4. Keep it short.
5. Stick to the subject.Spell out (new) points of agreement, next steps.

Always Remember:

1. Respect.
2. Your tone of voice: patient explaining, interested listening, patient explaining. No attitude, yelling, condescension, bullying, insulting.
3. Facts, not personalities.  Contingencies, not threats. Best outcome for all, not who’s right and who’s wrong.
4. Breathe.  Remember your objective and goal.
5. If he stops listening, you stop talking (and start listening until he’s ready to listen again).

Copyright © 2011 Marlin S. Potash. All rights reserved.